Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
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My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I unironically love this joke.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
This is what makes twitter great
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
first you must answer his riddles
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home