Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
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wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
the prophecy has been fulfilled
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman