they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
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As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one