Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
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My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.