why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
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We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.