I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
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*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.