[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
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Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Living the best life.. 😊
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.