I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
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I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Happy Friday