The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
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Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????