I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
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Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.