You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
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Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
I miss this era type of pranks😭
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
*struts into the new year
~ trips
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.