I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
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it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S