wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
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Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Monday?
No. Next question.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”