driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
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Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
How your email finds me
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Salad is the decaf of food.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.