I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
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why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.