SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
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Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Death certificates are our last participation award.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
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i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!