My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
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If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.