Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
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[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.