facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
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[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired