puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
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Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy