Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
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[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.