Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
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4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?