My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
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[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.