If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
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Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”