even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
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Meowchelangelo
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
I love you…
…r dog.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.