(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
You Might Also Like
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER