you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
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Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?