[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
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*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Yes
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Wednesday
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology: