“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
You Might Also Like
This is me
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.