I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
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If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Spring of Deception
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense