When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
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Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Oh no