Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
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5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?