What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
You Might Also Like
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Favourite diary entry ever
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT