Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
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If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Strange
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.