[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
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My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
What?!?
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn