The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
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*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.