[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
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I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
They’re on their honeymoon
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*