My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
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[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Coffee is ready.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.