I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
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People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.