*orders delivery*
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Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
No. YOU-buprofen.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.