The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
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Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Basketball
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
classic mixup
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal