I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
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Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Worst bar ever.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*