Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
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Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.