Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
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People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.