Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
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You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Fluff me with a fork baby
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma