When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
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I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.