Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
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I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
back to work
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them