I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
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Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro