I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
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Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.