i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
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“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.